So it's the second to last at the Mac. It seems very surreal. Max and Boom and Andrea and Kelly are here visiting to see the show and it's nice to see them again. It's weird, Andrea kind of described it as like coming home, and in a way I feel like I'm leaving home. Like when I drove back from Cohoes today I felt like I was driving home, and that I would just be commuting back and forth. Maybe that's why I enjoyed my time here so much because of that homely family feel that I think I really crave and will miss other places. I like being close and connected to people and just having a core group of friends. I think it's funny because I strive to learn everything I can about people and make connections with them and really have friends, but I feel like I don't open up as easily to people as I should. Maybe that's why I started this blog, to kind of put myself out there so people can see more of me. I guess it will help to see more of myself as well, especially if and when I ever go back and read this splattering of mumbo-jumbo.
Maybe I'm too malleable and too easy to please others. I feel like I change depending on whom I'm around, and maybe because of that I've lost who I am, whoever that is. I think I may try to hard to be the person others want me to be. But maybe that's just who I am, I just live for other people. I discovered Wednesday night when I was home alone that I never want to be alone and that I hate it. I don't mind having my own room, but as long as there is someone else in the house, I'm ok with that. Just knowing there is another person around, it's just so comforting. I hope I never end up alone, I don't think I could deal with that. Maybe that's why I'm so nervous about the career choice because to what kind of life does it really lead to? One where you know lots of people but don't really "know anyone? One where you can never really meet anyone to share your life with? Again I guess it's the whole unstable aspect about this career. I guess also I don't really know what I want to accomplish. Like is my final goal to make it to Broadway? God that's so cliche, but I guess it's true. I feel like I will never be there though. I just don't feel like I'm good enough or talented enough. It just seems so incredibly far away, like a destination that I will never get to. Maybe I'm meant to do something else...well so far everything has been unfolding the way I anticipated so I guess I'm on the right track. I guess I'll just keep plugging along day by day and see where this crazy life takes me.
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